Truth as I see it

After reading  Choose Joy I came up with some life goals. I want to be living intentionally and present, seeking God's will always and taking care of myself as much as possible. I want the people in my life to know that they are loved and also anyone I come in contact with. I think these goals are a good start. I want to; 1.  Be known as a woman of strong faith  2.  Walk the path God leads me down with courage and determination 3.  Appreciate all of my life and the many incredible blessings 4.  Love God, Love others- unconditionally 5.  Choose joy over anxiety 6.  Make healthy choices 7.  Be an encourager, Always speak the truth in love 8.  Forgive everyone including myself 9.  Ask for help when I need it 10. Be my own advocate with doctors Psalm 94:18-19 New International Version (NIV) 18  When I said, “My foot is slipping,”      your unfailing love, Lord , supported me. 19...

I have had too much going on physically. I am overwhelmed and I have been trying to be strong not just for me but for everyone else. Today during a therapy session I touched back to my childhood and revealed where it all started------- In a hospital getting poked and prodded. Having my privacy invaded and ignored. It started when I was being told " be a big girl, don't cry, be strong". It was my mothers voice.  My experience started in 1964 and that seems like a million years ago if you look at today's medical environments. There were visiting hours and lots of rules. There were wards rather than rooms and a very cold sterile environment. Procedures were not explained to me I was told what to do but not what to expect. When I was eight I had both an upper and lower GI. The x-ray attendant was unkind and impatient which resulted in quite a mess. It just gets worse but now the picture is painted. I think we all look for something we have control over in experiences...

Need to have a chat with the pain management doctor tomorrow and am feeling anxious about it. Pain makes my life unlivable at times. Pain steals my joy and definitely affects my sense of purpose. Not wanting to live with any more pain is not the same as being suicidal. It means for me at least that I am going to start making some noise until someone finally hears me. Living in pain is unacceptable. We don't let our animals live in pain. Pain breaks me down in to nothing of any value. Similar to the argument from my primary care doc about chronic pain being managed by narcotics reduces your life. Huh? Same theory reversed reasons. I am definitely going to try and get the attention and care I need and should have if it doesn't happen I am going to mm teas, oils, lotions. I will not have any choice. So where are you in this God ? Are you closing doors and opening new ones. I trust you to find a solution and to use whomever you need to make it happen. I need to not live in this k...

Can't believe it's time for double fives already! Starting a few white hairs coming though so no denying it. This last year has been another one full of change, acceptance and growth. Wouldn't want things to get boring! All in all it has been a year full of good memories and time well spent. I love Jesus even more than I ever have.  Michael and I are in a good place, a little bumped and bruised but happy and healing. My kids are living healthy happy lives with good people in them. I officially retired from nursing and am just grateful to have done it as long as I did. My favorite past time is coloring. I have been coloring to relax and bring calm in to my life for a long time.It is a positive memory from my childhood and comforts me. Now that adult coloring is popular I have more choices of what to color. I really like gel pens they make it easier on  my wrist. I pray for the person I am making the picture for while I am coloring, so it serves a greater purpose. ...

I hesitate to share this kind of day because I know there are some struggling with even more than I am. It is truth though and that is what I committed to when I started this blog. Just hear God's voice and promises in your life and believe in Him no matter what. Where are you Lord? The road ahead is not clear and it seems uphill. I haven't the energy to travel it alone. I am not even sure I can make it with you carrying me.    Inner strength-blog  I am so exhausted and feel like I am inside a fish bowl watching life go on with out me. The doctors are overwhelmed by me how can I expect them not to be? My body is screaming from the inside. Yet if I were given a choice that I could be healed of pain or of exhaustion it would hands down be exhaustion. I can ignore the pain better if I am up and about or can I? I have persevered through all kinds of pain my whole life. Lord do I have to choose? Can it be both? I look to you- Whitney Houston I keep focusing on ...

"Your not believing for Gods healing" It really sucks when other christians assume your blessing or healing has not come because your faith is not strong enough. I have prayed for healing and expected healing to come from the Lord.  I am still believing God for healing and if the healing comes in death and being in Paradise free from this body, I will gladly take it.  I will be restored by His Grace and His love when it is time, until then I just need to trust Him to get through each day. If you are hurting or in need of encouragement read some scripture. Find something that speaks to you, encourages you. He loves you so much and longs to answer your prayers. Father we know you have plans for us, not to hurt us and we are trusting you Lord for your Grace and compassion. Hear us Father when it hurts to move in bed and we cry out for you, hear us Lord in our despair. I do believe in the healing power of Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit. May it be so. Amen

  Lord on days like today with sharp pain in my body, I wonder where you are? Most people have one illness or injury to deal with and for me you keep allowing  more. Yesterday was a beautiful day spent with my husband and on the island. Everything seemed perfect, but by the end of the day the pain in my hip/back started. I should look at yesterday as a gift I suppose but my desire is for many more days like that - many. Help my attitude Lord change my heart. When I start to question why it gets me in trouble emotionally. My upbringing included the Catholic church which at that time, focused a lot on the sins and suffering from them. I only went to Catholic church until I was about 13 but some of those messages get ingrained in to your psyche so deep that I catch my self asking for your forgiveness Lord when I am in pain or having difficulty. The truth is I am already forgiven and the price for my sins is paid though the conversations of prayer with you are al...

So, is it validation when your therapist is astounded that you are actually dealing with so much or just comical? I know it is her job to support me and to show compassion but she is genuinely shocked. When I told her this whole arm injury experience pales in compassion to the urinary issues she actually had tears. Sometimes I do minimize my challenges because I have had so many and if I focus too long on how much I have to deal with, it can be overwhelming. I am pretty tired of this brace because it is so heavy and uncomfortable and as the clock would attest hard to sleep in. Writing at least gives purpose to lost sleep. I have been following a blog by Laurie Edwards and then ordered her book " Life Disrupted " and it has been such a blessing for me right now. It is empowering and insightful for anyone with chronic illness. I can't recommend it highly enough. She lays out the diagnostic process and how frustrating it can be as well as gives incredible ideas on dealin...

Cant’s! I am so sick of cant’s! Can’t do this can’t do that! I want a long list of things I Can do! The most recent can’t came yesterday when my hubs and I went to check out a beach where a group called Beach Dance meets. Moving, dancing on the sand is so much safer for me because the sand is forgiving both with movement and if I fall. The idea of spending an hour dancing with others and enjoying time on the beach was so enticing for me. Well Boo! The beach is inaccessible to me. It involves a ¼ mile hike over uneven ground and around lava boulders, which will shred you if you fall on them. On a positive note if you come visit me I will tell you where this beach is! So I am on to the Can Do list. Actually I am making it in to a Want To Do list because that is more empowering. Not a bucket list but things I can do on a regular basis. I could have completed the hike yesterday against my husbands advice and probably been injured maybe even needed a helicopter evacuation to ...

Another comedian admits to depression. Wayne Brady gave an interview and really opened up. It just goes to show how many people hide their depression and even enough to work making other people laugh. Sad. I certainly put on my smile for others but I don't have to do it to make a living. I always found it easier to feel "up" when I worked because I was focusing on other people.The more celebrities that share openly the better it will be for all of us. Depression can be part of a normal  grieving process with any loss, it can be biological or the affect of PTSD. You can't just decide to be happy if you have clinical depression. You have to work at it through therapy, educating yourself, lifestyle, diet and sometimes pharmaceutical aid. I have a brain that was permanently affected by severe trauma and I have learned to look at the meds as a positive and be grateful for them. An earlier post PTSD Facebook Page talks about how they can now see on an MRI...

After some input and prayer I have decided to split my blog in to two different blogs. This blog will continue to deal with chronic illness and faith and my other blog will be focused on PTSD and healing. The link is http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/ Thank you- Mauigirl