Truth as I see it

You alone can create such beauty! Why do you continue to be silent in answering my prayers for healing? I go in to have a mole checked on my back and the Doctor says,"it is fine but....." this one on your arm I can biopsy and burn. The pre-cancer on your face needs to be treated and I will biopsy the skin near your eyebrows". WHAT?????!!!!!! Wait, I came in about my back! If you have many health issues and deal with anxiety an unexpected issue can throw you in to a spin. I felt myself floating above my body as I was signing papers and being injected with lidocaine. The smell of burning flesh is nauseating. My mind is full speed with what ifing. Something is said about going to the ENT docs to have the removal of the spot in the center of my face, like a bullseye. I recall something called MOHS from when I had the Basal cell on my shoulder. I tell her I will get back to her and leave with a bandaid and wounded wings like when a bird trys to escape the cage. ...

" Lord I promise to rely on you when I feel I can't go on and to have enough faith that the moment of darkness I may be feeling will pass. "    Suicide is not an option   I often say "pain is a game changer", it is. I was going along engaging in activities, living my life, feeling good about things and the pain got bigger than me. It hit hard 2 weeks ago and has gotten worse every day. I am once again broken beyond possibility and am just trying to survive until Tuesday when I get another cortisone shot in my hip. Honestly child birth was nothing compared to this. The enemy loves to attack in times of weakness and has been on full assault. I have doubts and am terrified my life will continue in pain. I had a handful of pills but remembered my promise not to ever play God and take my life. It will have all been for nothing if I do. I am being honest here it is too much for me. Today i will takes as many meds as I think are safe and try to get thro...

I have had too much going on physically. I am overwhelmed and I have been trying to be strong not just for me but for everyone else. Today during a therapy session I touched back to my childhood and revealed where it all started------- In a hospital getting poked and prodded. Having my privacy invaded and ignored. It started when I was being told " be a big girl, don't cry, be strong". It was my mothers voice.  My experience started in 1964 and that seems like a million years ago if you look at today's medical environments. There were visiting hours and lots of rules. There were wards rather than rooms and a very cold sterile environment. Procedures were not explained to me I was told what to do but not what to expect. When I was eight I had both an upper and lower GI. The x-ray attendant was unkind and impatient which resulted in quite a mess. It just gets worse but now the picture is painted. I think we all look for something we have control over in experiences...

I just started the book Choose Joy which is very popular right now. It is made from blog posts Sara Frankl wrote before she died of a disease that is ten times more horrendous than anything I have to deal with. That is intimidating. I have sometimes complained of the low numbers of Christian bloggers who keep it real when it comes to chronic illness and pain. I have prided myself on the many coping tools I use. I have grown in my faith and praise Jesus so much more than ever until I have a 10+ pain day and then where is my faith? I realized as I ended the first chapter it's not about comparisons. I am reminding myself of what I say in my post Worst thing   on my other blog but it applies here also. What ever your worst symptom or pain  level is or has been, it is your worst thing.  It is the place where hope is losing and fear charges in. It is full of doubt and confusion and I believe not from God. It is what we try so hard to stay away from. Sometimes a new sympto...

Can't believe it's time for double fives already! Starting a few white hairs coming though so no denying it. This last year has been another one full of change, acceptance and growth. Wouldn't want things to get boring! All in all it has been a year full of good memories and time well spent. I love Jesus even more than I ever have.  Michael and I are in a good place, a little bumped and bruised but happy and healing. My kids are living healthy happy lives with good people in them. I officially retired from nursing and am just grateful to have done it as long as I did. My favorite past time is coloring. I have been coloring to relax and bring calm in to my life for a long time.It is a positive memory from my childhood and comforts me. Now that adult coloring is popular I have more choices of what to color. I really like gel pens they make it easier on  my wrist. I pray for the person I am making the picture for while I am coloring, so it serves a greater purpose. ...

  My Mother had this and kept it in her bible. I had a plaque with the last verses in my house that my daughter now has. It has become a legacy to be lived and shared. I know it to be true in my life as some of my greatest triumphs have followed the darkest days. If you need encouragement copy this use it and pass it on. Healing really does take a lifetime and it can start today. Don't Quit When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,   When funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest if you must, but don't you quit. Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about, When he might have won if he'd stuck it out. Don't give up, though the pace seems slow - You may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than It seems to a ...

The other night I left my computer open to move up the chair to the desk and I accidentally hit some buttons and the next thing I know it’s saying that it’s ready for dictation and I didn’t even know that I had dictation on this computer. I just recently purchased this notebook that October of last year when the screen on my old notebook died. It would’ve been great to discover that when my arm was in a brace for six weeks but I’ll take it now because I’m having such severe shoulder pain I can’t type. I don’t even really know how to get there to give it a shot. Yesterday was a day from hell pain wise.   Seriously one of those days when you realize nothing is worth bearing this pain. I had three days of it this week. I guess it was a flare of the fibromyalgia which is disappointing because I blame my fibromyalgia on Colorado. This is the third time since we’ve lived here which isn’t bad I guess. In Colorado it would be three, four, sometimes five days a week. Betwe...

  Lord on days like today with sharp pain in my body, I wonder where you are? Most people have one illness or injury to deal with and for me you keep allowing  more. Yesterday was a beautiful day spent with my husband and on the island. Everything seemed perfect, but by the end of the day the pain in my hip/back started. I should look at yesterday as a gift I suppose but my desire is for many more days like that - many. Help my attitude Lord change my heart. When I start to question why it gets me in trouble emotionally. My upbringing included the Catholic church which at that time, focused a lot on the sins and suffering from them. I only went to Catholic church until I was about 13 but some of those messages get ingrained in to your psyche so deep that I catch my self asking for your forgiveness Lord when I am in pain or having difficulty. The truth is I am already forgiven and the price for my sins is paid though the conversations of prayer with you are al...

I have finished the third chapter of my trauma story it is a good feeling to have it done. I am not sure why the spirit pushed me to do it but I feel a great sense of peace now. If you have not read the first two chapters go here- http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/…/my-trauma-story… The third part to the story can be found here- http://healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com/…/part-iii-of-my-… Thanks.

Last week was one of the best we have had since we came here. My energy level was high we did a  lot of fun things including seeing turtles surfing in the waves! It will be one of my favorites ever but this week has brought pain and weakness and financial worries. When I was able to work as a nurse I made really good money and it is so frustrating to me that I can no longer contribute financially. I feel guilty, frustrated and overwhelmed as always.   I know all my husband really wants is for me to be happy and enjoy as much of life as I can. So why do I fall back in to being angry. The enemy has a stronghold here in my life and I earnestly praying against it. I need to stay positive and keep counting my blessings. I need to have faith in God to improve our finances. I need to take a day off and physically rest when I need to. The enemy has stolen enough from me in my life I am making it my Job to see he doesn't get any more! If you can think of any scripture or quotes...

By the time I warm up to my birthday it's over .♡ I usually make an inventory list on my birthday of what I have learned or reaffirmed in the last year mostly because I want to be the wise old woman everyone listens to. I can't believe it's been a year tomorrow that we have been here! So here is my wisdom list - Things I have learned or affirmed Having dreams come true is amazing but there is always a price to pay Gecko tails come off if you grab them but they grow back It does get a little chilly in Hawaii at night after you have been here awhile Walking on a boat without my AFO's is no longer an option Having my dog almost die really shook me up - never saw that coming Investing in someone else's dream might be the defining moment in your relationship Losing my vision was the scariest thing to happen this year Telling people I would be happy to live in a studio apartment on Maui may not have been realistic but we are making it work Wri...

Today I am thinking about the book my daughter told suggested to me   "One Thousand Gifts " and how much it helped change my attitude at the time. Lately I have had a hard time expressing gratitude but I truly am grateful for so much. We have a solid roof over us, plenty of food and a nice car I love to drive. We live in the most beautiful place on earth and I am constantly reminded of Gods grace and power in my life. I have an awesome family and lots of love. Depression is one of the most common complications of chronic illness. It's estimated that up to one-third of people with a serious medical condition have symptoms of depression.I certainly struggle though I have come to a place of acceptance with my physical illness's CMT, fibromyalgia and interstitial cystitis. It is simpler than I thought it could ever be mostly because I have been willing to seek God in this and have let go of some anger, frustration, and disappointment. I also have an excellent ...

Cant’s! I am so sick of cant’s! Can’t do this can’t do that! I want a long list of things I Can do! The most recent can’t came yesterday when my hubs and I went to check out a beach where a group called Beach Dance meets. Moving, dancing on the sand is so much safer for me because the sand is forgiving both with movement and if I fall. The idea of spending an hour dancing with others and enjoying time on the beach was so enticing for me. Well Boo! The beach is inaccessible to me. It involves a ¼ mile hike over uneven ground and around lava boulders, which will shred you if you fall on them. On a positive note if you come visit me I will tell you where this beach is! So I am on to the Can Do list. Actually I am making it in to a Want To Do list because that is more empowering. Not a bucket list but things I can do on a regular basis. I could have completed the hike yesterday against my husbands advice and probably been injured maybe even needed a helicopter evacuation to ...

Another comedian admits to depression. Wayne Brady gave an interview and really opened up. It just goes to show how many people hide their depression and even enough to work making other people laugh. Sad. I certainly put on my smile for others but I don't have to do it to make a living. I always found it easier to feel "up" when I worked because I was focusing on other people.The more celebrities that share openly the better it will be for all of us. Depression can be part of a normal  grieving process with any loss, it can be biological or the affect of PTSD. You can't just decide to be happy if you have clinical depression. You have to work at it through therapy, educating yourself, lifestyle, diet and sometimes pharmaceutical aid. I have a brain that was permanently affected by severe trauma and I have learned to look at the meds as a positive and be grateful for them. An earlier post PTSD Facebook Page talks about how they can now see on an MRI...