Truth as I see it

The following is a letter  I wrote to my family about 3 weeks ago. I genuinely just wanted to be real with them and didn't want them to be taken off guard if my condition worsened. Now they are all upset with me so I guess it wasn't a good idea? I find myself writing to the unknown and countless souls in the world who may, like me, just need to talk. Also to those who like me, believe in a God the creator with whom I feel confidant can handle my anger with love and grace. Friends and family I have been through a major health crisis this last week and I am now embarrassed to say was hoping I would not get better. I am tired and really fed up with this poor excuse of a body God gave me. I have tried to hold on for so many reasons for so long but it just keeps getting harder. I have been a little hopeless and that leads down a deep dark hole for me. Then my kidneys st arted to fail and I thought this really could be it. I prayed that God would heal me. N

Also from Plumb Lord I'm ready now

It's the nights that are hardest for me. My husband is asleep and I am chicken to go to the beach by myself and tv just makes matters worse. I just want to sleep. The CPAP machine seems to help when I can wear it -(trauma related Healing takes a lifetime ). Why can't I feel as tired at 9pm as I feel at 9am? My nerves are on fire and my muscles ache. I worry about what tomorrow will bring. Lord I know this is not the life you have for me and sometimes that makes it even more frustrating. I am tired of this battle. What must I do to be past it? Have mercy on my mind and remove this burden or at least give me rest. You are an all powerful God and my hope rests in your grace and goodness. Help me to trust you more Lord, in all things. To trust your timing, your reasons, and your promises. Please take this loneliness away that the enemy attempts to confuse me with. I am not alone as long as I am in your arms and blessed by your goodness. Lord help me to separate emotions and reality

                             It never ceases to fascinate me how God works. No sooner have I started this blog than have I been in conversation with people who are suffering from depression or chronic illness. “We need a voice, someone to speak the truth”, a reader told me. Please know I am not a professional mental health worker and I am only sharing my thoughts and experiences. You should always contact a doctor or a therapist if you are feeling like taking your own life. Dr. Oz said on his show today that telling someone you have thought of suicide is the most important thing. Even if you are admitted to a healthcare facility it is possible that during that time your perception of life will change enough to give you hope and hope changes everything. I also want to introduce the idea to you the idea that taking your life may result in a separation from God forever and that to me is Hell. The movie “What dreams may come” ironically with Robin Williams, in part explores th

September is Charcot-Marie-Tooth awareness month and it has been a part of what prompted this blog. "Time to tell the world about CMT" from the movie Bernadette. A documentary has been made about a beautiful friend of mine Bernadette Scarduzio, it shows her life and her struggles with CMT- Charcot Marie Tooth the same disease that I have. Please view this link and feel free to pass it on. The movie is simply called Bernadette and can be found on Hulu or Amazon. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lUZC3cE7_CA The second clip talks about it being a family secret because for generations families have just tried to deal with CMT and not talk about it to each other.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-iQs7vBG_0 .  This happened in my family. My father did not know he had it until I was diagnosed because the range of symptoms can go from mild to severe at any given age. My father and I never talked about CMT. Up until 4 years ago I had not really talked to my kids about CM

If my misery could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales, they would outweigh the sands of the sea