Tuesday, March 7, 2017

Enough

Well it happened- I finally lost it in front of my poor husband, the doctors and nurses at the clinic. No one was hearing me. I can't take much more indecision or repetitive action only to end up back at the same place. I can't be the "good girl" the "strong girl. No one listens to her!

Yep a full blown melt down just a few days after reassuring my psych doc I am doing fine- well not actually fine I told her but "I have hope things will improve".

 That's what I have lost, my hope.

My neighbor was just told she has 3-4 months and I am angry. Why can't it be me I am asking God? I am ready to be out of here. Sure there have been blessings and precious moments in the last six months but there has also been so much pain and disappointment.

I am tired of missing things , of breaking plans, of watching my life from my window like a fish in a bowl. I can't walk on the beach. I can't go see a movie, two simple quiet things I love to do and was looking forward to. Nope! Can't have it! Just more restrictions, more limits, less life.

Wow! What a complainer I am turning in to! I haven't always been this way. I am just worn down right now physically and emotionally. I have had enough needles, tests and misdiagnosis. We all get to this place it is the proverbial fall down 7 times get up 8 but I don't want to get up- that's the problem.

I will probably get there I just need a ray of hope to brighten my darkened mood. 

 

 

I am relying on you Father and I do trust you but I am weary and ready to rest. If you can help me I can do anything. I can no longer be strong enough. I am exhausted and feel very defeated. Reveal yourself to me and have the Spirit  give me strength. Help me to focus on what it is you have for me to do in this life. Amen
And then I see something like this and I know that God exists and is more powerful and loving than I will ever know. I will find Hope again.