Monday, April 18, 2016

Done being strong

I have had too much going on physically. I am overwhelmed and I have been trying to be strong not just for me but for everyone else. Today during a therapy session I touched back to my childhood and revealed where it all started------- In a hospital getting poked and prodded. Having my privacy invaded and ignored. It started when I was being told " be a big girl, don't cry, be strong". It was my mothers voice.

 My experience started in 1964 and that seems like a million years ago if you look at today's medical environments. There were visiting hours and lots of rules. There were wards rather than rooms and a very cold sterile environment. Procedures were not explained to me I was told what to do but not what to expect. When I was eight I had both an upper and lower GI. The x-ray attendant was unkind and impatient which resulted in quite a mess.

It just gets worse but now the picture is painted. I think we all look for something we have control over in experiences like these and as a child I locked in to being "a good girl, a good patient and strong". It made me feel really good when the doctors bragged to the interns about me and how "brave" I was. I must be doing a good job my little person would think.

Today I am exhausted. I just found out the skin cancer surgery I had 2 weeks ago, did not get clean  margins so we have scheduled another procedure. Am I supposed to let them continue slicing on me forever? I was not at all prepared for the six inch incision they have already made on my shoulder. I get the stitches out in a few days and then in a week they cut in to me again. Basal cell is not usually life threatening. It can cause problems and I could have more lesions break through but how far do we take this? Seriously?

My therapist asked me how I felt when I was first diagnosed. I told her the truth. I told her my first reaction was "maybe this is my ticket out of here". She is not a believer so she did not understand, We will all get a ticket and when it comes what a glorious day that will be. She  told me I am passively suicidal. I am not. Suicide is not an option. I would never again try to play God and take my own life. I am here and committed to serving Him as best I can with what He gives me. This body of mine is a shell and a broken diseased one. I look forward to the day I am rid of it. I am blessed to know that this is not the end. I will have eternity to dance with Jesus and to have "no more pain, no more sorrow"-there will no longer be any sorrow, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.-Rev 21:4.

I am blessed to have an amazing man in my life who is telling me I don't have to be strong and I have an amazing relationship with my savior who is also telling me (I think) that I don't have to be strong.
I am pretty much done being strong. It has such negative connotations for me.
I am resilient. I am learning to give up  my idea's of how my life is going to be and like the palm trees that bend in the wind here, yield to God's plan . He is in control anyway. Part of being resilient is taking time to recharge and process. That's what I am  doing now.

The following is Sara Frankl's list of goals from the book Choose Joy-

Life Goals
1. To not be ashamed to stand before God.
2. To fulfill God's plan by living the best life I can with what I am given.
3. To be aware and present in every moment.
4. To love what I have and not yearn for what I lack.
5. To spread the joy, not the fear.  
6. To be intentional in all things. 

Father, help me to adopt these goals also and any other ones you want me to have. I have always thought of goals as a list of things I needed to achieve. I love that this is a list to live by. This is truly trusting and believing you are my God and love me. I do believe. I am so grateful. Amen. 

Update-The second surgery was successful and I am free of skin cancer. It ended up being stage 2 because of the size and depth but it's all good now. On to healing!  

I also have a cd of songes that speak to my heart and encourage me-


                                            The Soundtrack of my Journey

Better Place               2:56    Rachel Platten           Wildfire         

Good Fight (Acoustic)                       3:20    Unspoken      

Footprints In the Sand                     4:07    Leona Lewis   Spirit (Deluxe Version)
I Look to You              4:25    Whitney Houston      I Look to You 
Love Does                   3:51    Brandon Heath          Blue Mountain          
The Climb                              Miley Cyrus    Hannah Montana: The Movie
Tell Your Heart to Beat Again 3:54 Danny Gokey Hope in Front of Me 
Stand By You             3:39    Rachel Platten           Wildfire         
Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)   3:42    Kelly Clarkson           Stronger
The Truth Is Who You Are   4:26    Tenth Avenue North -The Light Meets the Dark  
Live Like That                        3:57    Sidewalk Prophets    Live Like That           
My Hope Is You (Live)          4:52    Third Day       Offerings: A Worship Album           
Roar                3:44                   Katy Perry  PRISM (Deluxe Version)     
There Will Be a Day              4:44    Jeremy Camp There Will Be a Day - Single           
Wild Child (with Grace Potter)3:10            Kenny Chesney         The Big Revival         
Overcomer     3:44    Mandisa         Overcomer (Deluxe Edition)          
I Will Lift My Eyes     4:26 Bebo Norman   Between the Dreaming
My Hope Is You (Live)   4:52           Third Day       Offerings: A Worship Album           
Keep Making Me                   3:22    Sidewalk Prophets    Live Like That           
Tunnel            4:19    Third Day       Wherever You Are   
Save My Life              3:45    Sidewalk Prophets    Live Like That           
You Are More                        3:37    Tenth Avenue North The Light Meets the Dark   
Need You Now (How Many Times) 4:12    Plumb Need You Now          
By the Grace of God  4:27    Katy Perry     PRISM (Deluxe Version)     
Fight Song                  3:24     Rachel Platten          Wildfire         
Let It Go                      3:45    Idina Menzel  Frozen (Original Motion Picture
           
 

7 comments:

  1. Mauigirl, you're not the only advanced CMT person who's had that thought. I know of three who have. If the therapist was in your shoes, she'd get it. That it's about quality of life. I can imagine that the skin cancer surgeries are a stressor for you and even impact your daily life in ways that are negative given the challenges you already have. I know it would for me! Praying that the cancer will stop rearing it's ugly head.

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    1. It is hard to have extra health issues piled on top of CMT. I guess it is only human though. People with CMT don't usually die from it unless it affects their breathing so we are bound to get something else or get hit by a bus I suppose. Thanks for the comment.

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  2. Thanks for the reminder that being strong may really come by being weak

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  3. Thanks for reading my blog and yes there is great strength in surrendering.

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  4. I sure could identify with always told to be strong and a good little girl or else. I've just realized that here of late, I've gone back to people pleasing. No, I don't have to be real but my reality of many chronic pain issues and residue of incest (though processed and better than I've ever been emotionally) are some days dismissed 'by me'. Now, as I age, my systems are breaking down further and more is being found to contend with. Feeling like my body is betraying me further. I am like you, dear one, if I had no spiritual side to live, I would not survive on this side of heaven. I try to remember that my life still holds purpose and to suffer well. I was a sixth grader with severe stomach pain. Nothing was ever found. As I repressed so much of earlier childhood until my early 40s when my children were at risk, I do understand the whys of that pain. Back in those days, wards were the thing and they had both male and females together. It was terrifying. But I was a good little girl. How did we ever survive much less thrive (some times)? Only by the grace of God then and now. I salute you for your strength to tell it like it was and is. We remain steadfast only because of Him. Period. It will be enough.

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    1. If you are dealing with PTSD I haqve another blog focused on that- healingtakesalifetime.blogspot.com
      I am praying for you and I know God will give you comfort.

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  5. You are being strong! The fact that you could so eloquently write where your heart is at this point is an amazing sign of strength to me. Knowing you can rest in the strength of God shows your faith and trust in Him (HUGS)

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