My experience started in 1964 and that seems like a million years ago if you look at today's medical environments. There were visiting hours and lots of rules. There were wards rather than rooms and a very cold sterile environment. Procedures were not explained to me I was told what to do but not what to expect. When I was eight I had both an upper and lower GI. The x-ray attendant was unkind and impatient which resulted in quite a mess.
It just gets worse but now the picture is painted. I think we all look for something we have control over in experiences like these and as a child I locked in to being "a good girl, a good patient and strong". It made me feel really good when the doctors bragged to the interns about me and how "brave" I was. I must be doing a good job my little person would think.
Today I am exhausted. I just found out the skin cancer surgery I had 2 weeks ago, did not get clean margins so we have scheduled another procedure. Am I supposed to let them continue slicing on me forever? I was not at all prepared for the six inch incision they have already made on my shoulder. I get the stitches out in a few days and then in a week they cut in to me again. Basal cell is not usually life threatening. It can cause problems and I could have more lesions break through but how far do we take this? Seriously?
My therapist asked me how I felt when I was first diagnosed. I told her the truth. I told her my first reaction was "maybe this is my ticket out of here". She is not a believer so she did not understand, We will all get a ticket and when it comes what a glorious day that will be. She told me I am passively suicidal. I am not. Suicide is not an option. I would never again try to play God and take my own life. I am here and committed to serving Him as best I can with what He gives me. This body of mine is a shell and a broken diseased one. I look forward to the day I am rid of it. I am blessed to know that this is not the end. I will have eternity to dance with Jesus and to have "no more pain, no more sorrow"-there will no longer be any sorrow, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.-Rev 21:4.
I am blessed to have an amazing man in my life who is telling me I don't have to be strong and I have an amazing relationship with my savior who is also telling me (I think) that I don't have to be strong.
I am pretty much done being strong. It has such negative connotations for me.
I am resilient. I am learning to give up my idea's of how my life is going to be and like the palm trees that bend in the wind here, yield to God's plan . He is in control anyway. Part of being resilient is taking time to recharge and process. That's what I am doing now.
The following is Sara Frankl's list of goals from the book Choose Joy-
1. To not be ashamed to stand before God.
2. To fulfill God's plan by living the best life I can with what I am given.
3. To be aware and present in every moment.
4. To love what I have and not yearn for what I lack.
5. To spread the joy, not the fear.
6. To be intentional in all things.
Father, help me to adopt these goals also and any other ones you want me to have. I have always thought of goals as a list of things I needed to achieve. I love that this is a list to live by. This is truly trusting and believing you are my God and love me. I do believe. I am so grateful. Amen.
Update-The second surgery was successful and I am free of skin cancer. It ended up being stage 2 because of the size and depth but it's all good now. On to healing!
I also have a cd of songes that speak to my heart and encourage me-