JOB 6:2-3 If my misery could be weighed and my troubles be put on the scales, they would outweigh the sands of the sea- This blog is being created out of an overwhelming need to reach out and share with others who may be on a similar journey or love someone that is. Overcoming life's challenges and enduring chronic illness takes faith and sometimes I struggle with that. This is an open conversation with God and anyone who wants to listen.
The other night I left my computer open to move
up the chair to the desk and I accidentally hit some buttons and the next thing
I know it’s saying that it’s ready for dictation and I didn’t even know that I
had dictation on this computer. I just recently purchased this notebook that October of last year when the screen on my old notebook died. It would’ve
been great to discover that when my arm was in a brace for six weeks but I’ll
take it now because I’m having such severe shoulder pain I can’t type. I don’t
even really know how to get there to give it a shot.
Yesterday was a day from hell pain wise.Seriously one of those days when you realize
nothing is worth bearing this pain. I had three days of it this week. I guess
it was a flare of the fibromyalgia which is disappointing because I blame my
fibromyalgia on Colorado. This is the third time since we’ve lived here which
isn’t bad I guess.In Colorado it would
be three, four, sometimes five days a week. Between the barometric changes and the altitude my flares were extreme and often.
Today we were out running errands and I did not have my pain medication so the
flare got out of control and by the time we got home nothing seemed to
help.My sweet husband prayed over me
and massaged my body vigorously and I drank some special herbal tea this was of
course after taking the narcotic. Finally about four hours later the pain began
to leave my body literally from my toes up my legs through the rest of my body slowly
the pain stopped.
I understand why we have pain from injuries, surgeries, illness
etc. but this pain serves no purpose that I can see. Knowing that it will
continue to show up in my life makes me question God's and plan. When the
pain is that severe I literally coil into a ball being weeping, yearning for death.If this pain makes it so that I cannot
participate in my life or anyone else’s what could possibly be the purpose? If
the fibromyalgia continues to plague me here in paradise I will pray for God to
take me because I cannot continue to live like this. Why not pray for healing you
I started praying for healing in the late 90s. That is how
long I have been dealing with this. At first I attributed the pain to my CMT
or my car accident but a very intelligent persistent neurologist convinced me that overall screaming
body pain was not CMT it was fibromyalgia. I was actually happy at first
because I hate blaming my CMT for everything and there is definitely pain with
CMT. But once I came to understand fibromyalgia and started taking some meds
that help, getting massage, and limiting my activity it was at least helpful
and gave me some sense of having an ability to control it. My fibromyalgia triggers are weather related and stress.It is the kind of pain unrelenting like labor and with it comes a fear that it will not go away and that it will get worse. In 2003 I made a definite
plan to move to Hawaii after my daughter graduated and got settled into
college. So, when the flares would happen I had that dream, (that promise of
being at sea level with consistent weather which always seemed to make me feel better) to hold on to and
it got me through a lot of flares and a lot of pain.
Now that we are here Lord what promise do I hold on to? This shows no
purpose and no cure. Pain is a game changer and yes I sometimes get mad at you
for allowing it. Please Father help me to see something positive in this. I
need you to ease this pain. I hold to your promise th, at in heaven there is no pain and when the pain is at it's worst I beg you to take me. Jesus be with me, either here or there. Amen.
Lord it has been a rough week so much pain so much weakness hard to put my head in a good place. You have put great people in my life who are encouraging me including a friend who suggested I get a book on tape and it has arrived so I plan to start listening to it. Is called the Power of positive thinking by Dr. Norman Vincent Peale. I saw a movie made about him and it really spoke to my heart. It is mostly about you God and being sure of who you are. How to rid yourself of self-doubt and free yourself from worries stress and resentment which are all things I am obviously working on. I do believe that you love me and some day's, that's enough.
If I don't write because of the pain and then I just have to realize that even writing just a little bit is better than not getting my thoughts down at all. Sometimes I have to change my idea what my blog has to include it doesn't have to be fluffy or nice or pretty it just needs to be real in this week this is all I have to offer you. I saw this little nugget just wanted to share it with anyone who's struggling with chronic illness.
God bless Turning straw in to gold