Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Can do list- interrupted

I am so sick of cant’s! Can’t do this can’t do that! I want a long list of things I Can do! The most recent can’t came yesterday when my hubs and I went to check out a beach where a group called Beach Dance meets. Moving, dancing on the sand is so much safer for me because the sand is forgiving both with movement and if I fall. The idea of spending an hour dancing with others and enjoying time on the beach was so enticing for me. Well Boo! The beach is inaccessible to me. It involves a ¼ mile hike over uneven ground and around lava boulders, which will shred you if you fall on them. On a positive note if you come visit me I will tell you where this beach is!
So I am on to the Can Do list. Actually I am making it in to a Want To Do list because that is more empowering. Not a bucket list but things I can do on a regular basis. I could have completed the hike yesterday against my husbands advice and probably been injured maybe even needed a helicopter evacuation to get me out of there but I chose not to do that so it becomes my choice. This world is hard enough with CMT and some of the other issues I have going on. I want to make it easier. If you have CMT and wear AFO’s add to my list things you think I could do. We are stronger together and we Can Do it!
Tomorrow we are going on the Hana road but only as far as the lava tubes. I will walk it as far as I can and chose to!
                                                       Things I Want to do/ Can Do
Dance on an accessible beach maybe even invite others to join you
Drive in the car to spectacular scenery
Swim and water exercise
Be driven to a beach and watch the waves pound
Spot whales

I started this post 2 weeks ago and last week I fell and dislocated my elbow ;-[. Not a happy girl. This is my 4th major fall in 6 months, think I am looking at getting a scooter sooner than I thought. The can’t list is even longer now but the idea is a good one so I will get back to it, soon.
Lord you are my comfort in difficulty; I praise you for keeping the pain level low. LORD sometimes these added challenges would lead me to doubt you but I feel such peace right now. I need your encouragement to get through the added challenges from not using my arm. Protect me from the lies of the enemy and let others see your never-ending grace in me. Amen

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Admitting depression

Another comedian admits to depression. Wayne Brady gave an interview and really opened up. It just goes to show how many people hide their depression and even enough to work making other people laugh. Sad. I certainly put on my smile for others but I don't have to do it to make a living. I always found it easier to feel "up" when I worked because I was focusing on other people.The more celebrities that share openly the better it will be for all of us. Depression can be part of a normal  grieving process with any loss, it can be biological or the affect of PTSD. You can't just decide to be happy if you have clinical depression. You have to work at it through therapy, educating yourself, lifestyle, diet and sometimes pharmaceutical aid. I have a brain that was permanently affected by severe trauma and I have learned to look at the meds as a positive and be grateful for them. An earlier post PTSD Facebook Page talks about how they can now see on an MRI the damage trauma does on the brain. Even if I didn't have PTSD because of my Chronic disease I continually am dealing with loss and physical pain and that brings depression. If you are struggling please take a step towards healing and make a call to a doctor who can help you get started. Tell the people in your life and come to terms with it yourself. It may be something totally out of your control and learning that would be helpful. If your body is out of balance with hormones or the brain chemicals needed for happiness meds can help but please don't stop there.  When I have a really good day I think "oh this is great the depression is gone"! Slowly it inches it's way back in and I am I feel defeated once again. Claiming scripture and prayer are some of my tools and they have made the difference between life and death a few times. There is hope in the treatment of depression and hope changes everything.

Lord I am so broken sometimes and I feel like it is just too hard to keep up the work it takes to keep my life together. I pray for strength and that I would be patient with myself. I also pray for more acceptance as my abilities deteriorate slowly but more noticeably now. I want to trust that no matter what you will be with me and I will be alright. Thank you Father that you are in charge and that you love me. Help others perhaps even someone reading this page to feel your love and guide them to healing. Help us to feel the peace that comes only from you, in the midst of the storm. Amen

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Chronic Illness and faith

The precise meaning of chronic is "persisting for a long time", and it is used chiefly of illnesses or other problems.
If you are chronically ill chances are you are operating at max capacity every day. I know I am and have been for the last 26 years. I feel like the child’s game where you try to fill the bucket with out it spilling over and when it does the game is done. I feel like if I get one more thing medically to deal with – game over. Today I had to yell at a nurse over the phone, to get the help I needed. This should never happen! One of the reasons I went in to nursing was to make a difference, to actually care about and help people. Patch Adams one of my all time favorite movies touches on this and is an example of what I am talking about. When I worked at a hospital a patient with nausea and vomiting requested lime Jell-O and his nurse did not order it so I asked why and she said he would just vomit it back up. Since there was no medical reason he couldn’t have the Jell-O I got it for him. His appreciation was worth the look I got from the other nurse. The patient told me when he has nausea lime Jell-O helps. Sometimes listening is as important as action.
If the only thing I had to deal with was one UTI then I would not have yelled at the nurse but when it is the 10th UTI this year and she treats me like I am asking for too much then, she deserves it. Sometimes I wish working in health care did not pay as well as it did because then you would have many more doctors and nurses who were doing it for the right reasons. Today is one of those days I feel like I could not handle one more thing and yet here I am so I turn it over to God and ask for his strength and healing because the truth is I can’t do it without Him. I continue to pray for healing even though I doubt it will happen for me. I do believe in miracles and I have seen them happen it just doesn’t seem to be my destiny.

Lord help me to cope with all life brings and give me your strength to sustain any difficulty. Father I long to be used by you and to show the love of Jesus through my faith. You alone are God and I find comfort on your word. Amen