Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Kidneys who needs them?

Your kidneys are failing????????????

I have had UTI‘s  aka urinary tract infections, since I was 7. I have been worked over by specialists, had 2 bladder surgeries, scoped twice, been asked the same mundane questions repeatedly, taken meds that as it turns out probably made my CMT worse and now my kidneys are failing? What did I do? How can this be happening? Ok you know what, I don’t even care anymore. Stop this ride I want to get off. I am not a martyr! I am so tired and can’t fight any more battles just to hold on to a life that is so incredibly difficult. Seriously maybe it’s time.
Poof! Your gone, can’t take it back.
Ah but I can. My God is amazing and he is full of compassion and mercy. He is big enough to hear my prayers, my complaints, my doubt, and love me anyway. I talk to God like I talk to most other people and he hears me. I asked him to heal me if he could make my life worth living – physically speaking. Lets re cap the last few months
Respiratory illness
Sprained ankle fall- CMT
Migraine headaches- debilitating
Eye infection – vision affected, blind for 2 weeks and still not clear after 5 weeks
2 more falls – CMT- pain
UTI ongoing
IV meds
Diabetes insipidous
so, now I hope you can understand my attitude. It doesn’t matter because I believe God does and he has compassion for me. When I pray I worship God and I thank him for all of the blessings and for his grace. I also ask for his help in my struggles, I tell him when I have had enough, and I have. It is not at all like being suicidal or from a place of depression. It is just about surrendering the war and asking for respite.
I am going to give my life a bit of an over haul and yes I will go to see the Urologist again, but I am also believing that God has heard my cries and agreed that it is enough. So many times people look for “the purpose” in suffering. Maybe there is no redeemable purpose. Maybe suffering is just a consequence of illness. All of the hyperbole about it making you stronger feels like bunk to me, it may allow you to see strength you were unaware of but it wears on you. God is a loving God and he did not create us to suffer. We are meant to be in relationship with him and to strive to live a life worthy of his grace. All of that summed up means sometimes suffering is just part of life and some of us have more than our share if that’s possible.
Selfishly I can say as a nurse I made a sizable living at helping people who were suffering. More importantly my life had meaning. I was using my gifts in a profession people admire. I was holding the hand of the dying and aiding the family members. I was relieving people from their pain. I felt good about myself.

So maybe that is the reason for suffering, helping each other and living compassionate lives so that we can know God in a deeper way, and we can experience miracles and healing.

I am grateful for my relationship with my creator and for the ability to be real with him. He knows my heart and my thoughts so why not speak them out loud or, write them down! This is my blog read it or not. I am writing it to express myself and if it helps you or provokes you in to deeper thought that is awesome, if not find someplace that does. Life is too short to live it without passion!


  1. WOW! I'm impressed and I'm proud. We are so opposite in terms of faith/spirituality but your strength in what works for you is inspiring! We may never find our answers from God or the universe for why we've been through what we've been given. I'm actually sick of looking myself.
    I find my passions waning,changing, morphing and honestly, disappearing. Will be interesting to see what the next leg of the journey is.
    I wish for you, more spoons, beautiful whales spotted at sunset ( the best in my opinion!) and more day's with less pain.
    Love you always Squeems

    1. Lady thanks for reading and for your comment. Know that I will always love you more than you know.

    2. From a new friend-
      Hey Maui Girl, Good blog. A few friends have been encouraging me to publish my story on living with CMT. I am in correspondence with a friend of a friend who has published before. She is sending me a book written by a man who has journeyed with his wife through cancer. She thinks I can get some ideas through his publishing to help boost my writings. I am content just writing here, but if God will's for our journey go further we should do so. I will share with you as I learn and maybe you can do the same. Wouldn't it be cool if we were able to combine the hand of friendship from Hawaii to Florida!


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