Monday, April 18, 2016

Done being strong

I have had too much going on physically. I am overwhelmed and I have been trying to be strong not just for me but for everyone else. Today during a therapy session I touched back to my childhood and revealed where it all started------- In a hospital getting poked and prodded. Having my privacy invaded and ignored. It started when I was being told " be a big girl, don't cry, be strong". It was my mothers voice.

 My experience started in 1964 and that seems like a million years ago if you look at today's medical environments. There were visiting hours and lots of rules. There were wards rather than rooms and a very cold sterile environment. Procedures were not explained to me I was told what to do but not what to expect. When I was eight I had both an upper and lower GI. The x-ray attendant was unkind and impatient which resulted in quite a mess.

It just gets worse but now the picture is painted. I think we all look for something we have control over in experiences like these and as a child I locked in to being "a good girl, a good patient and strong". It made me feel really good when the doctors bragged to the interns about me and how "brave" I was. I must be doing a good job my little person would think.

Today I am exhausted. I just found out the skin cancer surgery I had 2 weeks ago, did not get clean  margins so we have scheduled another procedure. Am I supposed to let them continue slicing on me forever? I was not at all prepared for the six inch incision they have already made on my shoulder. I get the stitches out in a few days and then in a week they cut in to me again. Basal cell is not usually life threatening. It can cause problems and I could have more lesions break through but how far do we take this? Seriously?

My therapist asked me how I felt when I was first diagnosed. I told her the truth. I told her my first reaction was "maybe this is my ticket out of here". She is not a believer so she did not understand, We will all get a ticket and when it comes what a glorious day that will be. She  told me I am passively suicidal. I am not. Suicide is not an option. I would never again try to play God and take my own life. I am here and committed to serving Him as best I can with what He gives me. This body of mine is a shell and a broken diseased one. I look forward to the day I am rid of it. I am blessed to know that this is not the end. I will have eternity to dance with Jesus and to have "no more pain, no more sorrow"-there will no longer be any sorrow, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.-Rev 21:4.

I am blessed to have an amazing man in my life who is telling me I don't have to be strong and I have an amazing relationship with my savior who is also telling me (I think) that I don't have to be strong.
I am pretty much done being strong. It has such negative connotations for me.
I am resilient. I am learning to give up  my idea's of how my life is going to be and like the palm trees that bend in the wind here, yield to God's plan . He is in control anyway. Part of being resilient is taking time to recharge and process. That's what I am  doing now.

The following is Sara Frankl's list of goals from the book Choose Joy-

Life Goals
1. To not be ashamed to stand before God.
2. To fulfill God's plan by living the best life I can with what I am given.
3. To be aware and present in every moment.
4. To love what I have and not yearn for what I lack.
5. To spread the joy, not the fear.  
6. To be intentional in all things. 

Father, help me to adopt these goals also and any other ones you want me to have. I have always thought of goals as a list of things I needed to achieve. I love that this is a list to live by. This is truly trusting and believing you are my God and love me. I do believe. I am so grateful. Amen. 

Update-The second surgery was successful and I am free of skin cancer. It ended up being stage 2 because of the size and depth but it's all good now. On to healing!  

I also have a cd of songes that speak to my heart and encourage me-

                                            The Soundtrack of my Journey

Better Place               2:56    Rachel Platten           Wildfire         

Good Fight (Acoustic)                       3:20    Unspoken      

Footprints In the Sand                     4:07    Leona Lewis   Spirit (Deluxe Version)
I Look to You              4:25    Whitney Houston      I Look to You 
Love Does                   3:51    Brandon Heath          Blue Mountain          
The Climb                              Miley Cyrus    Hannah Montana: The Movie
Tell Your Heart to Beat Again 3:54 Danny Gokey Hope in Front of Me 
Stand By You             3:39    Rachel Platten           Wildfire         
Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)   3:42    Kelly Clarkson           Stronger
The Truth Is Who You Are   4:26    Tenth Avenue North -The Light Meets the Dark  
Live Like That                        3:57    Sidewalk Prophets    Live Like That           
My Hope Is You (Live)          4:52    Third Day       Offerings: A Worship Album           
Roar                3:44                   Katy Perry  PRISM (Deluxe Version)     
There Will Be a Day              4:44    Jeremy Camp There Will Be a Day - Single           
Wild Child (with Grace Potter)3:10            Kenny Chesney         The Big Revival         
Overcomer     3:44    Mandisa         Overcomer (Deluxe Edition)          
I Will Lift My Eyes     4:26 Bebo Norman   Between the Dreaming
My Hope Is You (Live)   4:52           Third Day       Offerings: A Worship Album           
Keep Making Me                   3:22    Sidewalk Prophets    Live Like That           
Tunnel            4:19    Third Day       Wherever You Are   
Save My Life              3:45    Sidewalk Prophets    Live Like That           
You Are More                        3:37    Tenth Avenue North The Light Meets the Dark   
Need You Now (How Many Times) 4:12    Plumb Need You Now          
By the Grace of God  4:27    Katy Perry     PRISM (Deluxe Version)     
Fight Song                  3:24     Rachel Platten          Wildfire         
Let It Go                      3:45    Idina Menzel  Frozen (Original Motion Picture