Thursday, September 25, 2014

Letter

The following is a letter  I wrote to my family about 3 weeks ago. I genuinely just wanted to be real with them and didn't want them to be taken off guard if my condition worsened. Now they are all upset with me so I guess it wasn't a good idea? I find myself writing to the unknown and countless souls in the world who may, like me, just need to talk. Also to those who like me, believe in a God the creator with whom I feel confidant can handle my anger with love and grace.

Friends and family
I have been through a major health crisis this last week and I am now embarrassed to say was hoping I would not get better. I am tired and really fed up with this poor excuse of a body God gave me. I have tried to hold on for so many reasons for so long but it just keeps getting harder. I have been a little hopeless and that leads down a deep dark hole for me. Then my kidneys started to fail and I thought this really could be it. I prayed that God would heal me. Now today I feel like myself, we went for a walk on the beach, and I am making plans and not feeling sorry for myself. It is always true that life is easier when you are 100% but I will never be 100% not as most of you would measure it, and the fact that I do as well as I do most of the time only being 50% should allow me some room to be pissed off at God for this body and fed up with the medical world! I have lived a long and difficult life not just because of CMT, for so many other reasons. If it is to be over then lets get on with it but if it is God's will for me to stick around then he needs to lighten my load and allow me to get out of bed. Maybe some of you find it arrogant or unsettling to see how I talk to God others would find it liberating. I am praying I stay healthy for longer than a few days and that I am able to enjoy however much life I have left whether that be weeks or years. I also hope that I can serve God in that time. One of the things I am going to do is write (computer willing) a new blog and be brutally honest. If I am going to stay here I want to make it count for something. I am not looking for your pity when God does choose to take me he will be showing me grace and mercy and that’s a good thing. Just needed you to know why I have been so down. I love you all very much. Thanks.

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